honesty

This morning I woke up feeling like shit. I guess i am getting the winter sicknes that I get in a every year. I need to get back into the florida heat and get to the beach sooon. I toook a hot shower and then felt a little better. Dad called me with his I am soo sorry attitude going on. We went to the mall and had lunch at Red Robin. I bought myswlf a new suitcase from vctoria secrets. I got caught up and bought a pair of pajamas also that they forgot to take the ink tag off of. I really hate that shit. So now I have to go back to the mall tongiht or tomorrow and have it taken off. I talked to Jarrad today too.. he thinks now that he is free that he is a fukin pimp or somethin. I am no longer the brightest thing in his world so i guess i dont matter anymore. The same thing goes with Michael too. I am soo over trying to have a man around me. I am really trying not to get my hopes up about John Martens. He is a guy I met at My Gym in florida. He works a Jimmy Johns Subs. He is a really nice guy but seems too distant to make me think he really likes me. He says one thing when he is around me but then he gets so busy and shit and never calls me back..But I guess taht is just men. I always get so confused about why they say one thing and always act diffently. Uggh. Fuck them. One day i will find a guy who wants to act and say al the right things. I just have to wait. Patience is a hard virtue to follow.

About 5 hours later..
I am sitting in my bed at my dads house. I cant believe how much life hanges so quickly. Strange how it never ever stops changing every second something is changing. I hate it really.. Me and my dad I guess are just ok now since he does not verbally apoligize for anything that he does.. he apoligizes in money. Its crazy actually. I also had a horible conversation with my now deffinitly x boyfriend jarrad tonight in which I found out that he is fuking the girl who i knew he would be fucking as soon as he got out ( autumn-elizabeth-boo ) and oh my gosh I cannot stand her. I knew that he could not be the one for me but it is so much harder to handle when you are actually proven right. I hate to be proved wrong but sometimes it sucks even worse to be proved right. One day I hope I can figure this life thing out.

Today is the first day i am blogging. I decided from watching Carrie on sex and the city that since now I have good working computer I should write about my life every night. I am visiting virginia for the first time in a few months. The last time I was in town my dad was trying to work things out between him and his now x girlfirend Susan. I stayed at his house for about 3 days and then we had it out over something (cant ever remember all the bullshit) and I ended up staying with my sister. This time I come home to a brand new 5′8 big boobd blonde bitch who is some kinda of a school teacher waitress singer. Yeah. She also comes fully loaded with a 14yr old a 22yr old and 26yr old daughters and a grandkid or two. ugghh. I am so fuking over all the chicks that come in and out of my dads life. I do not feel like having all the drama. Everytime there is a female I have to be the mediator or the one he needs advice from. Then when I dont like her because she is being a cunt he gets mad. It is always a no win situation with him. We had a serious issue last night with him dumping his new chicks kid on me. This morning I packed my things and went to my sisters. I wonder if things will always be this way. am I the only person who thinks that normal relationships still exist? I just do not understnad how everything is so twisted and dramatic and pretty much always heartbreaking. They say when you are young those are te best days of your life… and I cant stop wondering… If these are the best days of my life then what the fuck is the rest of life going to be like? Is it really all down hill from here? I smoked with tara today and layed around the house mostly. I tried to avoid any reall confrontation with my dad by just ignoring his calls all day. I thought that he was more mature than the average 8th grader but it turns out that I am wrong. He had his friend (and now roomate) Robert Gadrow call me to talk to me about the situation. He tried to tell me how fucked up i was being and selfish but being upset. I could not believe how angry I got trying to listen to yet another person who does not know me or my problems or anythign about my relationship with my father butt in and give their lowsy fuking two cents worth. I went off. I just really cant take anymore. I have to learn the boundrys with my father. I am so scared that if I do not learn how to handle the situations and the feelings about my dad I wont be able to have a fully healthy relationship. I dont want to be the chick who has the fucked up dad and now cant function without a man. I am going to work on being confident and independent. I have alot of things I need to work on. The first is going to be trying to get my feelings out by writing.. hopefully everything will fall in place around that if im really lucky.